Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Let's get the cat blown out
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
