I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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