Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
