My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
