I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
