More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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