At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
My bed is full of blood and feathers
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
lol hangovers are for mortals.
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