Michael Bay diarrhea
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
