I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
