my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Randomize
