I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
