Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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