i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
