Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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