The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
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That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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