Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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