Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
