are you still at the devil's house?
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
