forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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