Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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