just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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