The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
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You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
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I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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