good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
