remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
