she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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