Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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