I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
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Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
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When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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