Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
