I need to stop coming to work sober
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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