im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
