trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
