She is in my trunk
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Randomize
