dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
