whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Randomize
