what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
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She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
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You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.