come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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