I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse