why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
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I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
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I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.