my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
