The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
