maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Randomize
