The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
