You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
