Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
