Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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