You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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