When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
