I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
