I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
