Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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