you guys were way drunker than both of me
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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