I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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