i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
How naked do you want me to be?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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