apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
The adults are the big ones right?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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