wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
