Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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