He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
It's just like the Real World with babies
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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