I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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